World Cup Guide - Group 5

Holland

Form: Made light work of qualifying. Turned up half an hour late for each game, smelling slightly herbal and making everyone tea before scoring a sneaky winner after boring the opposition senseless with their cod-reggae take on Give Peace A Chance on the bongos.

Tactics: Being incredibly reasonable. Gone are the old days of Dutch hostility towards their own team mates, these days the team enjoy group hugs and team bonding weekends in cultural hotspots such as Amsterdam.

Manager: Skunk Van Der Pander. Mysterious but enigmatic Dutchman, formerly known as Clarence McStephen.

Star Player: Ruud Gestuhr (pictured). The Rotterdam Bisexuals goalkeeper is a big fan of the favourites with his pre-penalty routine of kissing both goalposts and offering the linesman a blow job.



Trivia: Agatha Christie’s famous disappearance was recently explained in a Dutch television documentary. She had been asked to referee the 1928 Dutch Cup Final between Nijmegen Fans of Noel Coward and Eurythmics Den Haag, and had forgotten to leave a note for the cleaner.

Odds 10-1

Denmark

Form: Got into the World Cup on a technicality having not been invited to qualify they turned up at FIFA’s house and threw a massive tantrum. It was Friday, it was late and Denmark looked so upset I just had to let them in said FIFA Secretary-General Muhammad Schweitzer.

Tactics: Traditionally the Danes have taken large amounts of drink and drugs before matches and wandered on to the pitch in some disarray, intimidating opponents and amusing spectators with vomiting and dancing. Not having qualified, we can’t say we know how they’ll play but some clues might be found in the title of their World Cup Song, Dã Murn Ov Dã f RaMM (translation: This Better Not Be Watered Down)

Manager: Moomin Trollson (pictured). Shy, painfully thin recluse who watches games from behind a comfy blanket covered with pictures of Clangers, Trollson has been manager of Denmark for 45 years due to an administration error.



Star Player: Les Batersbee. Still playing for Deportivo Tripoli at the age of 42, the sprightly grey haired winger still boasts a mean turn of pace despite his colostomy bag (which has its own squad number, 25 – the number of piss litres it can hold)
Trivia: Denmark’s Richard Briersson is the nicest player in professional football. The Homepride Hvidovre striker apologises for any fouls accidentally made, always following up with text messages and Christmas letters and even famously inviting the entire ADHD Odense team back to his place for tea and cake after scoring the goal which relegated them.

Odds: 387-1

Cameroon

Form: The most successful country in African football history continue to produce generations of World Cup footballers. This is their 8th successive qualification, achieved in a dramatic play off against Malawi which was abandoned when the stadium declared independence.

Tactics: Shame the opposition into giving them an advantage by turning up barefoot and in ragged kit. This covers up the fact that the Cameroon FA aren’t some miracle conveyor belt of footie talent after all, several of the players played in the 1982 tournament.

Manager: Chip Flightz. The veteran Bosnian has been severely criticised back home for his homo-erotic eulogies following victory and his insistence on showering with his team at every conceivable opportunity.

Star Player: Roger Miller. The veteran country singer plays in his 8th tournament and promises to sing King of the Road using the corner flag as a pretend microphone should he score.

Trivia: Life expectancy in Cameroon is significantly lower for men than it is women, a difference averaging 20 years. Experts claim that this is something to do with the powerful strength of Cameroon’s favourite alcoholic tipple, a mysterious beer known as Morphine Artois.

Odds 200-1

Japan

Form: Having nearly embarrassed England by pointing out their superior average income and life expectancy rates before a recent friendly, the Japanese team went on to humiliate England completely by winning 3-0 with all goals scored by that little fella who used to be in Banzai.

Tactics: Brilliantly choreographed and synchronised martial arts formation bamboozles opposition. Corner flags used as pole vaults, team mates flipped into air at free kicks and all that.

Manager: Sony-Goran Eriksson. There aren’t many people with joint Japanese and Swedish parents and looking at the frightening face of Eriksson, one can see why fondue nights never took off in suburban Kyoto. He looks like Big Bird on ketamine.

Star Player: Salaryman Yasimoto. The Wipe On Wipe Off Wiesbaden winger once threatened to disembowel himself after being criticised by a manager at his former club Showtune Shoguns. He then decapitated said manager and was sentenced to life imprisonment. Released on a technicality due to the judge not having addressed Yasimoto in the correct formal manner, he fled to Germany.

Trivia: The red spot on the Japanese flag is nothing to do with the sun, rather it is symbolic of the “interactive content of television, which will be pioneered by our great land one day soon” – a quote from legendary 11th century Japanese poet, Nintenko Sakekami.

Odds: 80-1