World Cup Guide - Group 3

Algeria

Form: Sneaked in at the death, overcoming a hostile Egyptian crowd to win the last African place. Made lots of sssh noises, giggled a bit at their reflection and then gave the game away falling out of their trousers into bed and farting.

Tactics – Cheap videos from manager predicting victory before each game. Destabilising opponents through oh hang on now that’s Al-Qaida. Erm, don’t know.

Manager – Abdul Abubbul (pictured). Has spent most of the last ten years trying to convince various people that they “must have an Algerian grandmother somewhere” in order to qualify for the Algerian national side. Hence the presence in the side of such un-Algerian names as Hugh, Pugh and Barney McGrew.

Star Player – Cuthbert Dibble. The former Red Star Worksop striker, now with Moroccan side Casablanca Bogarts, is Abubbul’s most successful ancestry-related find.

Trivia: Algeria’s most popular sitcom, Mushal Muusss Prim, not only boasts a theme tune by Climie Fisher but also means “Dogs For Dinner? I’d Rather Deep Fry My Own Mother”

Odds 1000-1

England

Form: Good to Firm. England go into the tournament once again buoyed by a reckless kind of self-belief based on having subjugated much of the world into slavery for a few decades a couple of hundred years back. Their inability to beat Mongolia or Bhutan in recent friendlies suggests an early exit.

Tactics: Blunder through opening rounds with more luck than judgement. Save heroic performance for ten minutes to go in quarter final against fellow European has beens; pull back from two nil down to equalise with last kick of game. Lose on penalties half an hour later in frankly pathetic effort.

Manager: After the perceived failure of their first foreign coach Jean-Claude Van Hire, the FA asked everyone English to do it. Begged. After several fuck that’s by way of reply, England turned to their second foreign manager, Gerhardt Grooverider. He’s an impressive disciplinarian, having shot two or three players for smiling on the way to the showers.

Star Player: Jeff Noodles (pictured). Still only 19 and with 92 caps already, Noodles is finally beginning to show the talent the nation first saw when he scored THAT header on a particularly grainy clip on You’ve Been Framed. The Manchester Corporate Monster striker is the finest product of the Bobby Charlton School of Excellence. “He’s even balder than I was at his age” blushes Sir Bobby, the duck egg headed fool.



Trivia: Ralph Amsey, manager of England’s only triumph in 66, was the first person to say the word “motherfucker” on national television. A disgrace that saw him lose both his job and his knighthood not to mention further appearances on Out of Town with Jack Hargreaves.

Odds: 66-1

Slovenia

Form: A last gasp win over Russia was rewarded with the last of the European places and punished by an overnight invasion from a former host.

Tactics: I went to Slovenia once. Lovely place, cant remember much about it. I went with my ex-girlfriend, miserable bitch she was. Anyway, the Slovenian word for ice-cream is “sladoled”. That’s all I remember. That and watching my ex-girlfriend being entertained by a bunch of local lads with a different interpretation to the term “all-inclusive” to myself. Anyway, they had plenty of stamina those Sloves so I reckon they’ll look to soak up the pressure and hit em on the break. The filthy bastards.

Manager: Ess Pedwareck. Now in his nineties, Pedwareck is no stranger to controversy. It’s the name of an aftershave he launched in Slovenia with disgraced quiz show host John Leslie last year at the Montreux Jazz Festival.

Star Player: Sezmi Strit. Former Miss Turkey now transsexual goalkeeper, Strit has his own changing room at Slovak HQ, not on account of his gender confusion but more to do with his own personal hygiene problems. “They have given me donkey bollocks. Not just the size either,” complained Strit in a recent interview.

Trivia: In Slovenia, it is possible to train as a funeral director at the age of 10. “In a country where you can drink at 8 and fuck at 9, it’s best to learn such skills early” said Education Minister Cillit Bang just before Balamory finished.

Odds 200-1

USA

Form: Stormed through the North American qualifying group with ease.

Tactics: Confuse opponents with new terminology for sacrosanct football words. Hence “goal guards”, “bonus shoot plays” and “endzone groundspots”.

Manager: Tina Turner. The only female manager at the tournament. Struts technical area in ridiculous thigh high boots encouraging team with choruses from her back catalogue.

Star Player: Strange Currencies (pictured). The BP Oil Spillers flank-dasher, sorry winger, has attracted the attention of several scouts in Britain. Well, it’s just a phase that some boys go through.



Trivia: The last ever episode of Friends was originally entitled “The One Where They All Go And Watch A Game Of Soccer, Misunderstand the Rules, Go To A Bar, Have Three Beers And Mutilate Each Other In A Coffee Shop Instead.”

Odds: 80-1