Monday, 24 May 2010

Unusual Telly Syntax #1 - Simon Cowell.

There's a lot to admire about Simon Cowell. Like the fact he's clearly such a wanker. But why does he do that pause thing? The naff Snow Patrol on in the background thing. The thing where there's a chance (about the same chance as Nick Griffin marrying June Sarpong mind) of him saying no to a contestant who's just had two Yesses, yeses? What is the plural of yes? He says something like

"That wasn't good."

Big pause, Snow Patrol or Take That are about to launch in the background.

"That wasn't very good."

Cut to crying troupe of street ventriloquists.

Cut to Cowell grinning like a man who's just spelt out the word "Magic" on a supermodel's breasts with his own seed.

"That was outstanding." Big uplifting music. Street ventriloquists hugging each other at the thought of switching on Matlock's Christmas lights.

I wish doctors would take the Cowell approach to delivering good news. Or any news. "You aren't going to live much longer." Big pause. "You're not going to see much past Christmas." Massive pause. "You're going to live another 50 years."

Or the flip.

"You haven't got AIDS." Big pause. "You haven't got cancer." Big pause. Cut to patient, quivering in chair. "You've got the Ebola Virus with a side order of bubonic plague. Get away from me."

And then he presses some unseen button on his desk and "Rule The World" starts pumping through the stereo. Amazing.

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